Random Access Mummery

News of an impending feature film based on the Beowulf saga sets me off on the delicious set of fantasy scenarios in which:

1. Hugh Grant will star in a remake of The Battleship Potempkin,

2. Bruce Willis will sing lead role in a remake of Johnny Spielt Auf

3. Mel Gibson will portray Atticus Finch in a remake of To Kill a Mocking Bird.

4. Mindful of his forthcoming retirement, George W. Bush has begun taking diction and acting classes and plans a run of Summer Stock, portraying Ronald Reagan in an adaptation of Where's the Rest of Me?

5. Not to be outdone by Liz Taylor, Hillary Clinton will release her own brand of a cologne. Tentative name: Voter Pheromone.

6. The Vice President of the United States, upon retirement, will host a weekly series on Fox TV in which a panel of pundits will select a new country to bomb.

7. Turkey will formally admit to having gratuitously closed Armenian restaurants.

8. Rupert Murdoch will attempt to buy the U.S. State Department.

9. An American automobile manufacturer will attempt to market a car that runs on low-fat cottage cheese.

10. America will outsource its coyotes to India.

11. The U.S. State Department will give serious consideration to Rupert Murdoch's offer.

12. Rudy Giuliani will become the new manager of the New York Yankees.

13. Mitt Romney will deny ever having been governor of Massachusetts.

14. The Republican House minority will introduce a resolution to condemn Walt Whitman for having been gay.

15. At least one Republican presidential candidate will condemn the Chuck E. Cheese Employee Handbook as being terrorist inspired.

16. Several FEMA trailers will appear on eBay.

It is difficult being funny in times such as these because real events and real persons have taken matters into their hands and consistently outdone our wildest embellishments. Sometimes days pass when in the face of events about me, I forget how the Peter Principle System has rewarded me, consistently rewarding me with promotions to positions beyond my interests, leaving me in situations where I had to delegate the very things I was good at and enjoyed. But I pale in comparison to, say, the President of the United States, a man from whom I have much to learn if I am to give the Peter Principle a credible run.

Humor may be thought of as tragedy, speeded up. Accordingly, Fast George.